so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
