i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize