also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I can text with my tongue
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize