the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He has the fingertips of a God
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
