why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
