I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
