I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish you could order shots online.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize