so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
