Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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