i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
