No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
