Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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