the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
