so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
