she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Randomize
