Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My liver just broke up with me...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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