remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
