i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
