Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
