The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
