i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
