I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
