he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
