well I can't set my house on fire every night
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
