plz talk dirty to me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
