My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
