My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
