I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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