fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
porn star boner night. come get it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
