3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
