Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
