I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
