my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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