it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
