Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
