if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
