I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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