Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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