i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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