why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
