What did we do last night that was yellow?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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