i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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