Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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