Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
