dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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