Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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