Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
