After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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