You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
