"it" just moved
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
