ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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