I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
did i walk over a car last night?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
