apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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