I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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