isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
