happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
