Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
