i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
